Today.  Today is a prime example of why I need to leave.  I don’t like the person I’ve become.  I suppose I was kidding myself to think that years of near complete isolation would end up being good for me.  I know that I’m a much angier person than I used to be.  You can even begin to understand what that statement really means if you don’t really know me.  I’ve always had a temper…  Push the wrong buttons and see what happens, go ahead…  I fucking dare you.

The truth is that recently it’s taken less and less.  I find myself growing angier as time slips by.  And I don’t like it anymore.

This forced isolation has only strenghten my irrational belief that I don’t need anyone.  I hate that I derive pleasure from pushing people away.  That I will likely not be satisfied until I’ve completely alienated everyone that cares, for no other reason than that I’ve turned myself into an untrusting person.  I see peoples expressions of love and caring as lies, because I feel unworthy of love.  I’ve turned everyone into liars because I was hurt.

This is why I need to leave.  I need to force myself to trust again.  I need to force myself into situations where it’s okay for me to need someone.  I need to escape this fucking bubble.

And the only reason I feel safe saying this here is because I know nobody reads this, but tonight I could use a hug…

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 7th, 2008 at 9:31 pm and is filed under Ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.