My January Wedding (Part 4 of 4)
I’ll start off by saying, I was specifically not supposed to write this. It is against the rules. It is stupid. It is pathetic. And it makes me sad to be me. Having said that…
Part 4 of 4
Driving home I felt empty. A feeling I had grown quite accustomed to feeling. Accustomed to feeling empty… How is that considered acceptable? Anyway. I had known for awhile the reason I wasn’t ecstatic about going to the wedding. The reason I was dreading it. The reason I almost didn’t even go to it. It’s stupid. It’s sentimental. It’s just ridiculous. But I knew the reason. I just hadn’t said it out loud until that drive home. Even now, even after I can admit it, after I’ve said it, I probably still won’t say it out loud. I was just thinking about January. About weddings. About plans. About you picking up my phone and telling my friends. And I was thinking I don’t know if I even remember that. Because I’ve been living in my head. I’ve been living in it for eight years now. And I can’t even separate the real from the imagined. And then it hit me. That’s why I’m having such a hard time with this. Why I can’t even begin to know where to start picking up my pieces. Because I’m still in denial. Not that it’s over. But that it even happened. That it was real. I just know that I’m broken inside, and that I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about that. And that even now I haven’t given up hope. Even now I still wait for that phone call, and I know it’s not coming. Even when it comes thirteen times a day, everyday… But only in my head.
That’s exactly why I wanted to call you after My January Wedding. I wanted to tell you all of that. Not that I imagine that it would help. But that is why I fought myself the entire ride home, fighting to keep the phone out of my hand.
Part 4, the one I never intended on writing, without proof reading. Good night.
