…wait no.  I’ll take care of that.

I’ve been driving a lot lately.  Not driving to get somewhere, although the destination is almost always home.  Driving for the sake of driving, to clear my head.  And then there was today.  Driving served a whole new purpose, well not new…  But…  Whatever.  Today I was surprised by the first new Third Eye Blind music in nearly five years.  You’ll understand the significance of this if you’re one of the few people in the world that still believe that all I listen to is Third Eye Blind.

I got a call from Dave today.  I’ve been getting a couple of those lately.  Recently it’s been to tell me about random shit he’s found on the internet that in one way or another connects back to me.  For example finding that an ex-girlfriend of mine is a Coyote or that the Academy Class of ‘99 is having a reunion meeting at my bar.  I don’t know why he thinks these things are important, but whatever.  Today’s conversation covered the reunion meeting, another Star Trek trailer discussion, Indiana Jones, Quantum of Solace, and the Third Eye Blind EP.

New Third Eye Blind music was news to me, so I cut my aimless driving short and headed home.  After buying the EP on iTunes and syncing my iPod I found myself doing something I didn’t expect.  I got into the car and drove.  Not to clear my head, not to get anywhere.  Just to listen to music.  I didn’t understand it, even as I got in my car and drove away, it just made sense.

And I guess it kinda does, I guess I still associate new music with a shiny new CD, and being in my car when I play the shiny CD for the first time.  I guess I appreciate new music more when I’m driving, windows down…

And suddenly I’ve lost interest in talking about this.

Christmas is steadily approach.  And it’s getting more apparent.  First there was the Christmas decorations on sale at K-Mart, three weeks before Halloween.  Then there was the first Christmas song on the radio, two weeks before Thanksgiving.  Then Thanksgiving, which just serves as a reminder that you can’t escape the “Christmas Spirit.”  Then the bell ringers.  Now the Christmas tree at work.  Diane is gonna be so pissed when she gets back.

I don’t know why everyone thinks that just because I like computers that I want to fix a shit ton of computers.  Seriously, I have four computers in my apartment that aren’t mine.  And I’m not even completely apposed to my frequent visits to the computer store, in fact I kinda enjoy them.  It’s just that, what does that say about what you think of me?  I am so completely devoid of a social life that I have time to sit around and figure out what the fuck you meant when you said, “it doesn’t work.”

In all fairness, I am that devoid of a social life, but fuck…  I don’t really need four reminders sitting on my dining room table!

I think Sean and I might be friends again.

And we’re back to the driving.  I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  In, an only sometimes successful, attempt to clear my head.

I’m pretty sure that she reminds me of the one with the k.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  And I really don’t know if that’s a good thing.

And about the one hundred sixty two weeks?  I hope we can all agree…  I’ve made some progress.

You, know…  Except happy… And awesome… And, well nothing like Christmas.

So my mom asks, “are you gonna vote?”  “Yes,” I reply.  “Good, you’ll be in Santa Rita.  You can get that  fuckin’ girls’ shit out of my house.”

Driving to Santa Rita I was under the impression that all of my stuff had long since been removed.  Boy was I wrong…

Every magazine I’ve ever been published in…

A picture of the tattoo I’m finally gonna get…

My Spider-Man banner…

My Star Wars banner…

And just in time to have the dude sign it…  My Smash Mouth CD…

And I was seriously only there for like five minutes…

I’ve been told that I’m too vulgar.  I don’t really give a shit and I’m certainly not going to change my behavior because of it…  Just thought I’d share.

Today.  Today is a prime example of why I need to leave.  I don’t like the person I’ve become.  I suppose I was kidding myself to think that years of near complete isolation would end up being good for me.  I know that I’m a much angier person than I used to be.  You can even begin to understand what that statement really means if you don’t really know me.  I’ve always had a temper…  Push the wrong buttons and see what happens, go ahead…  I fucking dare you.

The truth is that recently it’s taken less and less.  I find myself growing angier as time slips by.  And I don’t like it anymore.

This forced isolation has only strenghten my irrational belief that I don’t need anyone.  I hate that I derive pleasure from pushing people away.  That I will likely not be satisfied until I’ve completely alienated everyone that cares, for no other reason than that I’ve turned myself into an untrusting person.  I see peoples expressions of love and caring as lies, because I feel unworthy of love.  I’ve turned everyone into liars because I was hurt.

This is why I need to leave.  I need to force myself to trust again.  I need to force myself into situations where it’s okay for me to need someone.  I need to escape this fucking bubble.

And the only reason I feel safe saying this here is because I know nobody reads this, but tonight I could use a hug…